Night Thoughts 12/11/20
My last drink of alcohol was on Monday 26th October. As someone who was pissed off her face at least once a week (sometimes twice) I thought I would have had more of a struggle to give it up.
Spent much of the last four years after my breakdown being called names like 'pisshead' 'drunk' 'alkie' the usual even though I never did drink every day and never developed a physical dependency on it. I always drank to get a buzz and to enjoy myself and never to just feel 'normal' I drank because I didnt want to feel 'normal'.
So now i feel 'normal' all the time, whatever 'normal' means exactly.
I often like to give myself challenges, test myself to see what I can achieve. Even small things like travelling to another country on my own, driving on motorways when I never used to, holding spiders when I used to be scared of them etc.
I wondered how I would be if I stopped drinking, would my life change? would I feel better in myself? would I get on with people better? would i have an epiphany? etc etc.
So far I have discovered this:
1) I write a lot of music, my music writing ability and production has remained the same though my singing is better .
2) I still cannot sleep properly I am into week three and I think its even worse because when I drank too much at least I got a full nights sleep sometimes unlike now where I dont get one at all.
3) I am still unmotivated and even more miserable now than I was when I was drinking too much.
4) I get headaches that are not alcohol induced so I wonder if my hangover headaches were often just made worse by the dehydration.
5) People are more likely to ask you for favours and do stuff for them because now you are more 'available' and 'capable' of driving etc etc.
6) People are not more interesting just because you are sober - in fact you are more likely to talk to people you wouldnt usually because you drink. So now I am mostly bored of the people I used to enjoy talking to.
7) I used to blame being a real arsehole on alcohol but now I see that I am just a real arsehole personallity-wise should I need to be one without it.
8) People are so keen to judge you and tell you how you should change and improve but are unable to do the same for themselves and when you 'make the effort' they are still there doing the same shit they have always done.
9) Music still sounds exactly the same and the 'madness' I feel when I listen to certain songs I always blamed on the alcohol is still there and is just a part of me.
10) Some people like to feel sorry for you and give you attention if they think you are 'needy' because it makes them feel superior and when you dont get emotional or on a drinkers downer anymore they stop bothering with you because they are no longer getting their helpers fix.
11) I need to work on having a filter. So much was blamed on alcohol but it really was just my excuse for saying exactly what I thought and now I do not drink I am saying exactly what i think all of the time instead of just when I drink because I no longer drink so there is no more 'saving it til later' anymore.
12) People are still full of shit and do not mean what they say and this has become even more apparent now my head is totally straight and sharper than it was. My head is not scrambled or twisted up in knots so I am more aware of what people are really saying and really doing.
13) Just because I have stopped drinking and no longer get hangovers I am still a depressed lazy person who has little or no interest in 'normal' things like going shopping or going for a walk etc.
14) Obsessional thoughts are back in full force, the exact same ones I used to have years ago and now I am watching everything I eat and continuously wiping the kitchen sides down and bleaching the toilet.
I am still just as unhappy but now I have no break from it, even less sleep, everything is irritating me and the people I used to enjoy talking to I dont want to so I have no friends. I am even more horny than I was before and single so thats no fun at all and cant even turn my silly head off anymore so I have to keep listening to it talking shit without a break ranting on just like this post.
So guys if you thought drunk me was up my own arsehole sober me is even worse.
I am less likeable and the most irritable old bitch you could ever have the misfortune to meet.
Will I go back to drinking?
No I wont.
Why wont I?
Cos I want all the people who ever called me a 'drunk' 'alkie' 'pisshead' etc to fuck right off and look at themselves and see what changes they could make to their own lives instead of looking and judging mine.
I put my money where my mouth was, they should too.
15) Most people who use chat rooms and skype chat groups are WANKERS and TROLLS, they pretend to care and love you but they dont.
SAME AS REAL LIFE!
If the person you 'love' expects so much more from you than they are willing to offer - it is because you are a dickhead who didnt ask for anything, why would they bother giving when you have given enough for the both of you.
Learn from your mistakes you prat.
I will try to avoid people, JibJabChat is an excellent place to go to avoid people as there are never any people in it BOOM BOOM.
I will continue to write a song or two every day obsessively as that is what I do now.
These two songs sum up all I have to say.
They may not be 'good' but then not all music is.
Broken - A song about arseholes who are arseholes for a reason
They Never See - For all the people who are too busy talking to ever listen
Being on your own is better than being continuously disappointed by people.
PS - If you don't think they really love you - then they probably dont.
Oh and dont think just because you meet people online that they are your 'friends' cos odds are they arent especially if they try to cause trouble for you and the relationships you are in.